Ive been trying to figure out what and how to write what Ive been feeling. Ive had several people ask me personally, and in email etc whats going on. Well here goes, this might be a bit lengthy, but is yet another chapter in this journey that you all are on with me.
For the first or 2nd day after the chemo treatment I really felt pretty good. HOWEVER they give you a "morning after" shot called Neulasta. This is a really cool fighter in the cancer wars, and Im thankful for it, but the side effects can be very painful. I happen to be one that gets the side effects. What is does is revs up the bone marrow to generate more white blood cells. The chemo kills fast growing cells and white blood cells happen to be in that category. About mid day, of day 3 I felt like every bone, every joint, and every connective tissue in my body was at war. The only way to describe the pain is shin splints to the power of 10. It also just continues and does not go away. Motrin however along with the pain pills does help, so Im ready for the next round. That piece of joy lasted for about 7 days. :) as you can see, Im still alive. I heard a saying the other day that what does not kill you will make you stronger. Im still alive, so we will see how strong it made me. LOL
About a day or 2 after the side effects of the Neulasta started, we pretty much discovered I also have a flu like virus. NICE! Kind of a double whammy. But like everything else, this too shall pass. The flu effects do seem to be hanging on for their usual time, 7-10 days. It all is kinda painful, and leaves me very weak, but God is always there to give me a lift when I most need it.
Well this is day 11 after the 1st Chemo, Ive had labs done, blood counts look good with the exception of a slightly low kidney count, that is most likely due to not getting enough water in me. I typically dont drink enough to begin with, but this has been really hard. I have had a sore throat off and on, and when it is on, relatable to mild strep, so drinking anything hurts.
I am going off base here a bit, but I really feel that I have to mention my "girls". Renita, the wife, and Renita the daughter. Im ONE lucky guy. Aside from my son in law, Im the only one I know of that has not one but 2 Renita's Lets start with Renita the wife. I could NEVER ever have a better woman for my bride. She has taken off work, she has stayed by my side thru this whole thing and has even gotten up from sleeping with only 2 hours of sleep to get me to a Dr appointment. If that is not LOVE, Im not quite sure what else she could do. She makes sure I get my meds, she encourages me when I get down, and YES I do get down. She tells me not to worry about things. Fortunately for us we do have decent insurance. Like I said GOD is in control of all this.
On to Renita the daughter. My pride and joy, and the best daughter a dad could ever have. I was fortunate that when we got the results from the biopsy we were with her, no long distance telephone call. She was actually with me when we had the 1st couple of Dr appointments talking about treatment. She KNOWS what to expect, but still her dad has some medical issues so she is concerned. I get either a text or phone call pretty much daily. I know she wants to be here, but she has a hubby and Milo the wonder dog to take care of. (Milo actually does YOGA with them) God has her in the palm of His hand as well. Like I said Im VERY fortunate.
Well this next week, I have Labs again, then a Dr appointment, and after that the following Tuesday I get round 2 of the chemo, then the dreaded Neulasta shot! LOL THIS time Im prepared and hopefully wont be blindsided by the side effect. AND maybe the virus crap will be gone by then.
I will try to stay more updated. Just these last few days have kicked my butt a bit. I really appreciate all the comments, and support and most of all the prayers that have been lifted up for me. It is totally humbling and Im very grateful.
Stories about life in general, politics, where I have been, where Im going, what I like to do.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
LIFE AT 60 - DAY 4
Well this is day 4 after the 1st chemo treatment. It is a mixed bag. The chemo has not bothered me too much at all, HOWEVER the NEULASTA shot is kicking me pretty hard. That is the "morning after" shot that rebuilds white blood cells. Apparently, because Im in pain, it is working. LOL What it does is juice the bone marrow, which in return causes pain.
I dont think Ive complained too much in these blogs about pain, or really much of anything, but I will say this, bone, joint, and muscle pain all at the same time, on a 10 scale of 7-8 does hurt. THANKFULLY I do have some pain meds. The drawback? Pain meds put me to sleep. Imagine if you will a really bad cough medicine head! LOL
HOWEVER, compared to what others have gone thru, or are going thru, Im guessing this is pretty tame. I have confidence that God is still with me, and besides a little pain, (even a lot in my mind), is tame. I still have all my arms, legs, fingers, toes. I still am able to walk and talk, though a bit slower than last week at this time. LOL
I had the opportunity while getting the chemo treatment to meet a couple of other people, and one of them keeps having to come in for treatment because her disease keeps jumping around. Another was finishing up her treatment. I was right, people stuck in the same situation, in an enclosed space, do tend to talk and there really is not much that is taboo. :) I wont go into some of the subjects here, but I found out more about some cancers than I really wanted to know. :) Im still hopeful that one of these days that Im in there, there will be an opportunity to share about the God that I know that can heal.
I did decide to beat the chemicals to the punch, and I had my hair buzzed off. Probably looks a bit better than having clumps falling out. The interesting part will be when I will possibly lose my eye brows and maybe eye lashes. (This is according to the oncology nurse). Whats really freaky, I "may" lose my 'stache! Ive had this mustache since I was 18, so that has been a year or 2. :)
If anyone is still wondering if I still have the faith I had a week ago, or a month ago now, the answer is a resounding YES! It would be pointless to lose it because my bones hurt! My goodness, we are just getting started in this process, and I have about 2 1/2 - 3 months to go. Man I need all the faith I can muster. THIS will NOT get me down. YES I might have a day or 2 here and there that will drag me down a bit, but I will guarantee you that because I have a real good friend in God, that I will be bouncing back. I still believe everything that the Bible says, and it says that Jesus died for not only our sins, but for our HEALING, and Im claiming those promises. Im firmly believing that the chemo and eventually the radiation, will damage ONLY the bad cells and leave for the most part the good cells. I can tell that the 1st treatment seems to be shrinking the lymph nodes in my neck. Cant really tell about anything else, but the nodes, I can see and feel. God is totally faithful, and HIS timing is what it is all about.
So just a thought about what is coming up. Tuesday I have to get labs drawn, I trusting that those will be positive as well. The following Tuesday, I have labs again AND a Dr appt, then the following Tuesday round 2 of the chemo. They are promising that the 2nd round will not take as long. That would be good, Im really hoping that by then perhaps my body will have gotten used to the Neulasta and does not disagree with it so much.
I had a friend of mine tell me about one of her friends husbands who was just diagnosed with something similar to me. If you would, pray for him as well, his name is Tom. As always, I totally appreciate the prayers that come my way, but I like to spread them out to others that need them as much as I do. Keep the comments coming, I love reading them, and love knowing that perhaps what Im going thru is helping someone out there in some way.
I dont think Ive complained too much in these blogs about pain, or really much of anything, but I will say this, bone, joint, and muscle pain all at the same time, on a 10 scale of 7-8 does hurt. THANKFULLY I do have some pain meds. The drawback? Pain meds put me to sleep. Imagine if you will a really bad cough medicine head! LOL
HOWEVER, compared to what others have gone thru, or are going thru, Im guessing this is pretty tame. I have confidence that God is still with me, and besides a little pain, (even a lot in my mind), is tame. I still have all my arms, legs, fingers, toes. I still am able to walk and talk, though a bit slower than last week at this time. LOL
I had the opportunity while getting the chemo treatment to meet a couple of other people, and one of them keeps having to come in for treatment because her disease keeps jumping around. Another was finishing up her treatment. I was right, people stuck in the same situation, in an enclosed space, do tend to talk and there really is not much that is taboo. :) I wont go into some of the subjects here, but I found out more about some cancers than I really wanted to know. :) Im still hopeful that one of these days that Im in there, there will be an opportunity to share about the God that I know that can heal.
I did decide to beat the chemicals to the punch, and I had my hair buzzed off. Probably looks a bit better than having clumps falling out. The interesting part will be when I will possibly lose my eye brows and maybe eye lashes. (This is according to the oncology nurse). Whats really freaky, I "may" lose my 'stache! Ive had this mustache since I was 18, so that has been a year or 2. :)
If anyone is still wondering if I still have the faith I had a week ago, or a month ago now, the answer is a resounding YES! It would be pointless to lose it because my bones hurt! My goodness, we are just getting started in this process, and I have about 2 1/2 - 3 months to go. Man I need all the faith I can muster. THIS will NOT get me down. YES I might have a day or 2 here and there that will drag me down a bit, but I will guarantee you that because I have a real good friend in God, that I will be bouncing back. I still believe everything that the Bible says, and it says that Jesus died for not only our sins, but for our HEALING, and Im claiming those promises. Im firmly believing that the chemo and eventually the radiation, will damage ONLY the bad cells and leave for the most part the good cells. I can tell that the 1st treatment seems to be shrinking the lymph nodes in my neck. Cant really tell about anything else, but the nodes, I can see and feel. God is totally faithful, and HIS timing is what it is all about.
So just a thought about what is coming up. Tuesday I have to get labs drawn, I trusting that those will be positive as well. The following Tuesday, I have labs again AND a Dr appt, then the following Tuesday round 2 of the chemo. They are promising that the 2nd round will not take as long. That would be good, Im really hoping that by then perhaps my body will have gotten used to the Neulasta and does not disagree with it so much.
I had a friend of mine tell me about one of her friends husbands who was just diagnosed with something similar to me. If you would, pray for him as well, his name is Tom. As always, I totally appreciate the prayers that come my way, but I like to spread them out to others that need them as much as I do. Keep the comments coming, I love reading them, and love knowing that perhaps what Im going thru is helping someone out there in some way.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
LIFE AT 60 - MS PAC MAN
You might wonder why the title. I'll hit on that in a bit. Im actually sitting in the so called comfortable chair, which it really is compared to what Renita is sitting in! HA HA. At least this one reclines should I so choose. LOL I've been hooked up for about 45 min and I don't think they have even started the Ms Pac Man junk yet.
OK why did I choose the Ms Pac Man theme. Supposedly these chemicals only attack the bad cells. So Im naming them Ms Pac Man. (Ms because you really don't want to mess with a woman on a mission!) HA The Dr is very optimistic, and Im praying for him to have total wisdom in what he does. I firmly believe that God will use this treatment for the good of not only me, but others I come into contact with. For those of you who are reading this and have no idea what Im talking about, Ms Pac Man was one of the 1st electronic games, kinda like a very early X-Box. It came out after her "husband" Pac Man. Hence the name Ms Pac Man. She was pink, and loved chomping down on the dots, in this case, c cells. All they were were snapping jaws in a circle and you got points for all of the dots that were chomped. Sometimes you got a "power dot" and got more points. I figure that every cell she chomps down is a power cell and more points added today. :) Had some kinda funky electronic sounds to go with it, and when she would died, kind of spiraling sounds would come out of the box. Great fun.
Ms Pac Man is now chomping away, been in there now for about 20 min or so, still about an hour and 40 minutes to go. They have me hooked thru the port and THAT was a great thing to do. NO IV POKES!!!! One small stick, barely noticeable and boom, let the good drugs roll!! Anti nausea, then some benedryl, now the Ms Pac Man going in. GET those cells.
I will say that writing this during the treatment, is even more therapeutic than before. Keeps my mind off of what is actually happening, which is poison going into my veins. YUCK.
OK joke time. What did one cancer cell say to the other when chemo found them?? (play Jeopardy tune here) R A I D!!!!!!!!!! BOOOOOOM! Another way of showing my age, those commercials have not been on in years.
You know, God is totally with me, and I know that. Ive not been upset or nervous this whole time today. Renita is with me and will attest to that. Been able to chat with a couple of people. God is so good and merciful to me. Nurses all like the attitude. Seems like everyone is really cool and helpful. Im so blessed to have what I have, and have the ability to write about it. This day as far as this treatment goes will be over with shortly, about 1pm or so St. Louis time. Then I will go on about whatever business I have. I get to come back tomorrow for a shot to boost white blood cells. Here again God is so great. They signed me up for a drug co-pay to pay for it. It is a $6,000 shot. YES you read it right, $6,000 for ONE shot, and I get this shot 3 times. I have insurance and now the co pay so it costs me nothing. How awesome is that. The bills have started and once again, we are totally blessed in that we have insurance thru Renita's work, and for the 1st time in my history, we have reached our total deductible. Bills are in excess of $20K and we are just starting. God is in control, and knows this all in advance. He will NOT give us more than we can bear or handle at anytime. Im so very thankful for my friends and family and family includes all my church "family" that is praying for me during all this time.
The journey continues, and so far it is a not bad journey. Im discovering some new truths in Gods word. Things that I knew all along, but for one reason or another, never paid attention to. It is amazing to see the people God has placed in my path, and the path that HE has chosen to place me on. ALL of it for a reason. I know Im growing in this, and Im praying that these blogs are reaching people that I will likely never know about, unless they happen to write on my comment site. These times will likely be a bit trying. IF they do the full radiation treatment after the chemo is done, then around my birthday, June 12, I should be good to go. Got news for them, Im good to go now.
It is supposed to be around 80 here today, and assuming Im not grogged out by the drugs, Im going for a bicycle ride later. It might now be 20+, but Im going riding till Im tired. Im guessing I can get at least 10 in. For those of you who know me you know what I like doing is bike riding, for those of you who dont know me, probably think Im nuts. It is great exercise and fun to boot. Im going to get my friend Tom Drennan to train with me so I can do a "century" ride this year. You guessed it, a century is just what you might think, 100 miles!
Well I have a little time left on the plug in here, about an hour and 15 min or so. Guess I will wrap this up, just wanted to give you an blow by blow during the chemo start. All in all, not a bad thing. Think the benedryl gave me a bit of a headache, but that is not all bad. They did tell me I cant have more than ONE small margarita a week till this is done, because my liver might not be too happy with me. Maybe a NO alcohol would work, but them, whats the point?? LOL
Have an awesome day everyone. Keep the comments coming, I love all of them, and they are encouraging to read. I hope and pray that what I write is also beneficial to you as well
OK why did I choose the Ms Pac Man theme. Supposedly these chemicals only attack the bad cells. So Im naming them Ms Pac Man. (Ms because you really don't want to mess with a woman on a mission!) HA The Dr is very optimistic, and Im praying for him to have total wisdom in what he does. I firmly believe that God will use this treatment for the good of not only me, but others I come into contact with. For those of you who are reading this and have no idea what Im talking about, Ms Pac Man was one of the 1st electronic games, kinda like a very early X-Box. It came out after her "husband" Pac Man. Hence the name Ms Pac Man. She was pink, and loved chomping down on the dots, in this case, c cells. All they were were snapping jaws in a circle and you got points for all of the dots that were chomped. Sometimes you got a "power dot" and got more points. I figure that every cell she chomps down is a power cell and more points added today. :) Had some kinda funky electronic sounds to go with it, and when she would died, kind of spiraling sounds would come out of the box. Great fun.
Ms Pac Man is now chomping away, been in there now for about 20 min or so, still about an hour and 40 minutes to go. They have me hooked thru the port and THAT was a great thing to do. NO IV POKES!!!! One small stick, barely noticeable and boom, let the good drugs roll!! Anti nausea, then some benedryl, now the Ms Pac Man going in. GET those cells.
I will say that writing this during the treatment, is even more therapeutic than before. Keeps my mind off of what is actually happening, which is poison going into my veins. YUCK.
OK joke time. What did one cancer cell say to the other when chemo found them?? (play Jeopardy tune here) R A I D!!!!!!!!!! BOOOOOOM! Another way of showing my age, those commercials have not been on in years.
You know, God is totally with me, and I know that. Ive not been upset or nervous this whole time today. Renita is with me and will attest to that. Been able to chat with a couple of people. God is so good and merciful to me. Nurses all like the attitude. Seems like everyone is really cool and helpful. Im so blessed to have what I have, and have the ability to write about it. This day as far as this treatment goes will be over with shortly, about 1pm or so St. Louis time. Then I will go on about whatever business I have. I get to come back tomorrow for a shot to boost white blood cells. Here again God is so great. They signed me up for a drug co-pay to pay for it. It is a $6,000 shot. YES you read it right, $6,000 for ONE shot, and I get this shot 3 times. I have insurance and now the co pay so it costs me nothing. How awesome is that. The bills have started and once again, we are totally blessed in that we have insurance thru Renita's work, and for the 1st time in my history, we have reached our total deductible. Bills are in excess of $20K and we are just starting. God is in control, and knows this all in advance. He will NOT give us more than we can bear or handle at anytime. Im so very thankful for my friends and family and family includes all my church "family" that is praying for me during all this time.
The journey continues, and so far it is a not bad journey. Im discovering some new truths in Gods word. Things that I knew all along, but for one reason or another, never paid attention to. It is amazing to see the people God has placed in my path, and the path that HE has chosen to place me on. ALL of it for a reason. I know Im growing in this, and Im praying that these blogs are reaching people that I will likely never know about, unless they happen to write on my comment site. These times will likely be a bit trying. IF they do the full radiation treatment after the chemo is done, then around my birthday, June 12, I should be good to go. Got news for them, Im good to go now.
It is supposed to be around 80 here today, and assuming Im not grogged out by the drugs, Im going for a bicycle ride later. It might now be 20+, but Im going riding till Im tired. Im guessing I can get at least 10 in. For those of you who know me you know what I like doing is bike riding, for those of you who dont know me, probably think Im nuts. It is great exercise and fun to boot. Im going to get my friend Tom Drennan to train with me so I can do a "century" ride this year. You guessed it, a century is just what you might think, 100 miles!
Well I have a little time left on the plug in here, about an hour and 15 min or so. Guess I will wrap this up, just wanted to give you an blow by blow during the chemo start. All in all, not a bad thing. Think the benedryl gave me a bit of a headache, but that is not all bad. They did tell me I cant have more than ONE small margarita a week till this is done, because my liver might not be too happy with me. Maybe a NO alcohol would work, but them, whats the point?? LOL
Have an awesome day everyone. Keep the comments coming, I love all of them, and they are encouraging to read. I hope and pray that what I write is also beneficial to you as well
Monday, March 12, 2012
LIFE AT 60 - THE DAY BEFORE
IS 53:5 "But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well being fell upon Him, and by His scourging we are healed" Notice that it does not say that we might be healed, or that if He feels like it we will be healed, it says we ARE healed! How awesome is that.
Tomorrow morning I have my 1st chemo treatment. It is a bit daunting. Ive never had to face anything like this in my life. Even though I had a heart attack a bit over 7 years ago, this is something totally different. That was an easy fix. This one is a bit more difficult, from the HUMAN perspective, and since that is where Im coming from, Im going to be a bit more open with some feelings. While I do totally believe that Im going to be healed, in fact I believe that God is working in me as I write. I believe that the healing in addition to the physical, is also spiritual, and mental. I think in my case He is working on all 3 areas at the same time.
The surgeon told Renita, (my wife), after the biopsy that it was about the size of a nickel. That is so small God could just flick that away with a flick of His finger. BUT there is obviously something that He has in mind for the greater good of the "kingdom". I honestly cant wait to see what it is. So the physical for now looks like God is letting the Dr's handle that. They seem to have a great plan of attack, and I believe that God is guiding them. So that takes care of the physical side.
On to the mental, and emotional side! OK NO comments about the mental side!!! LOL Honestly, Ive had some real questions lately. Some up and down emotionally. It is kinda hard to confront your own mortality. THIS is not that kind of carcinoma. Some of the emotions at times do get to me. Ive never had to face this before and it is a bit scary. HOWEVER, when that happens, I think about others who have had so much worse than me, and have come thru it with flying colors. I think about little kids who have terminal cancer and are so incredibly brave and then I feel like a total loser for how I feel. :) Mentally I feel like Im getting stronger and tougher. Ive always worn my feelings on my sleeve, and it has always been a weak point for me. I really feel like God is giving me strength in those areas. I know I have a lot of people praying for me and my complete healing.
On the spiritual side, WOW, that is a whole other question. I will admit that before this all started, I was at best a "weak" Christian. I was a "convenient" Christian at times. In other words, when it was convenient, I was a Christian. HOWEVER sometime ago, (probably 5 years or so), I started realizing that THIS is not what God wanted in my life. He wanted someone who would stand up for Him when needed. He wanted me to be strong for him. He wanted someone who would be more "hot" than "cold". Ive known about Gods love my whole life in fact gave Him my life at a very young age. I was born and raised in church. Ive chosen to work with churches in my profession. EVERYTHING, I do is all about church, but not always about Jesus! There is a difference. Shamefully it often times takes a "wake up call" to get real. Guess I was not getting real enough fast enough!!! Had this occurred at any other time, Im not sure I would have had the faith I have right now. See Gods timing is ALWAYS perfect. He will never give us more than we can handle. So as you can see the timing for this is for now, not before now, and not after now, it is for now.
I really hopeful that these blogs I write are helpful and informative, and perhaps a bit uplifting to you. I know that it is very therapeutic for me to write them. It really gives me an outlet for some of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Keep the comments coming I love them.
Tomorrow morning I have my 1st chemo treatment. It is a bit daunting. Ive never had to face anything like this in my life. Even though I had a heart attack a bit over 7 years ago, this is something totally different. That was an easy fix. This one is a bit more difficult, from the HUMAN perspective, and since that is where Im coming from, Im going to be a bit more open with some feelings. While I do totally believe that Im going to be healed, in fact I believe that God is working in me as I write. I believe that the healing in addition to the physical, is also spiritual, and mental. I think in my case He is working on all 3 areas at the same time.
The surgeon told Renita, (my wife), after the biopsy that it was about the size of a nickel. That is so small God could just flick that away with a flick of His finger. BUT there is obviously something that He has in mind for the greater good of the "kingdom". I honestly cant wait to see what it is. So the physical for now looks like God is letting the Dr's handle that. They seem to have a great plan of attack, and I believe that God is guiding them. So that takes care of the physical side.
On to the mental, and emotional side! OK NO comments about the mental side!!! LOL Honestly, Ive had some real questions lately. Some up and down emotionally. It is kinda hard to confront your own mortality. THIS is not that kind of carcinoma. Some of the emotions at times do get to me. Ive never had to face this before and it is a bit scary. HOWEVER, when that happens, I think about others who have had so much worse than me, and have come thru it with flying colors. I think about little kids who have terminal cancer and are so incredibly brave and then I feel like a total loser for how I feel. :) Mentally I feel like Im getting stronger and tougher. Ive always worn my feelings on my sleeve, and it has always been a weak point for me. I really feel like God is giving me strength in those areas. I know I have a lot of people praying for me and my complete healing.
On the spiritual side, WOW, that is a whole other question. I will admit that before this all started, I was at best a "weak" Christian. I was a "convenient" Christian at times. In other words, when it was convenient, I was a Christian. HOWEVER sometime ago, (probably 5 years or so), I started realizing that THIS is not what God wanted in my life. He wanted someone who would stand up for Him when needed. He wanted me to be strong for him. He wanted someone who would be more "hot" than "cold". Ive known about Gods love my whole life in fact gave Him my life at a very young age. I was born and raised in church. Ive chosen to work with churches in my profession. EVERYTHING, I do is all about church, but not always about Jesus! There is a difference. Shamefully it often times takes a "wake up call" to get real. Guess I was not getting real enough fast enough!!! Had this occurred at any other time, Im not sure I would have had the faith I have right now. See Gods timing is ALWAYS perfect. He will never give us more than we can handle. So as you can see the timing for this is for now, not before now, and not after now, it is for now.
I really hopeful that these blogs I write are helpful and informative, and perhaps a bit uplifting to you. I know that it is very therapeutic for me to write them. It really gives me an outlet for some of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Keep the comments coming I love them.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
LIFE AT 60 - GO!
OK, now you have seen it. READY, SET, GO! I know, I have a very bent sense of humor, but hey, its me! LOL Why did I decide to write this way? I really dont know. God has really been the one giving the words for all these blogs. Im an OK writer, but I dont think I would have been able to write all these as well as they are without being guided by God.
Well today Im designating GO day! I had the surgery to install the POWER PORT, OR PORTACATH, take your pick. I kinda like POWER PORT! Has a pretty cool ring to it. POWER!! YEAH, I have the POWER! (Gods power that is). Not what I expected, but then Im not at all sure any of this has been what I expected. I was told the biopsy would be painful, it was not really, I "thought" this would be a tuff procedure to go thru, and would be hard to deal with under clothes etc, its not! God is just showing me small miracles pretty much on a daily basis. How cool is that? I think pretty cool!
One today was that the IV line went right in, no problem. Considering I had not had anything to drink for 12 hours, that is a miracle that they could even find the vein. The gal drawing the blood, got it in 2, again pretty painless. ALSO, I did not get angry for her missing the 1st. That in itself is almost a miracle, classify it as a "minor" miracle! :)
Ive had a couple of people tell me that they were "surprised" that I did not blame God for what has happened to me. I guess that might be the 1st response from a lot of people. HOWEVER that honestly never crossed my mind. I dont know why, but it did not. God DOES NOT make people sick. He will sometimes allow it. I cant explain why, I just know that it does happen. There is always a plan. We might never understand what that plan is, but here again that is all about one of the "F" words, FAITH! Faith is about believing in something we cannot see. I cant see this c----r, (refuse to give that word credence), but I know it's there. I can't see my salvation, but I know its there. I dont know what Gods plan is for this journey, but I KNOW there is a plan. I just anxious to see it come into play. Have you ever been excited to see something, but you did not really know what it was you were excited about? If you have, that is pretty much the feeling I have. I KNOW Im not excited about getting gallons of poison put in my veins, or having my head and throat radiated, but I KNOW there is a plan, and it is much, much larger than me. I also know that if Im to go thru this, that God will be right there 100% of the time. I know that He will never ever give us more that we can handle, and that is ONE promise I am totally standing on. (Actually right now, I cant begin to count all those promises, but that is one). LOL
I was playing with some photo effects and one was all different colors, mostly green, yellow and red, and I thought about posting it with the caption of "This is what I will look like after radiation". I know more bent humor. Hey, I might as well laugh at this. If I laugh at it the devil cant attack me. I enjoying things right now. Does this mean that I wont have ANY days that Im down, of course not. Im human. As such, we can get down, or up or whatever. THAT is where God comes in. He has the power to change us, and He does change us. I know that when I do get down, all I have to do is ask and He will be there to pick me back up. I believing that the after effects of all this treatment is going to be minimal, if at all. Why do I believe that, well so far nothing has been as painful, or as stressful, or anything I was warned that it would be. Why should I believe anything different for future stuff.
Please forgive me if any of this is incoherent drugs from the surgery are still affecting me somewhat. Kinda like you might feel after 3 medium margarita's. LOL Ive NEVER had 3 at one sitting, Im just guessing. Im sure that tomorrow I will feel up to running around with Renita and go looking for a new dishwasher. YEP you guessed it, the dishwasher failed last night. It is about 20 years old, so its probably time. Ran thru the cycle, but not much water, so shopping we must go!
I look at it this way. When this is all over, I will still have my voice. I may have lost a few pounds, which I needed to do anyway, I might have lost some hair, but it grows back, I will have my family, and I will have grown stronger in my faith. My friend told me the other day, dont miss the "little things", things you might normally over look. Thats good advice, not only for people with illness, but for anyone. How many times do we overlook some small thing that God might have put in our path, just as a small test. Maybe that person you see that needs a few bucks to pay a bill, or someone that needs a ride to the store or Dr office. We all tend to be "too busy" to see these things. How about someone in military uniform at a restaurant, might be nice to just pick up his tab. How about a frazzled mom with a couple of small kids trying to get in or out of a door of a store? Door holding is free and easy. The common term these days is "pay if forward". Its all about compassion. Im still dealing with it, but really what does it hurt to let someone in front of you on the road? NOTHING, and besides it might just stop an accident. (Like I said, that one Im STILL working on). I do tend to be competitive. Speaking of which, I was told today that I cant do much physical activity for at least 2 weeks. BUMMER, but its all good, there is a plan.
Ok so just to finish this up, these last 3 blogs were titled READY, SET, AND GO! I did this for a reason. Im ready, and Im set, and today was GO day. The 1st step in moving on in treatment. Chemo starts next Tuesday, should be an interesting day. I was told today that while these chemicals kill all the bad cells, they also kill a lot if not all of the good stuff. SOOOO I have to take a shot the day after to cause the more rapid manufacture of white blood cells. Im thinking if I can get some sort of exercise regimen going that should help as well. That will at least help with rebuilding the red blood cells.
Well enough rambling for the night. Lets attack things in life with more vigor, and energy. Thats my plan.
Well today Im designating GO day! I had the surgery to install the POWER PORT, OR PORTACATH, take your pick. I kinda like POWER PORT! Has a pretty cool ring to it. POWER!! YEAH, I have the POWER! (Gods power that is). Not what I expected, but then Im not at all sure any of this has been what I expected. I was told the biopsy would be painful, it was not really, I "thought" this would be a tuff procedure to go thru, and would be hard to deal with under clothes etc, its not! God is just showing me small miracles pretty much on a daily basis. How cool is that? I think pretty cool!
One today was that the IV line went right in, no problem. Considering I had not had anything to drink for 12 hours, that is a miracle that they could even find the vein. The gal drawing the blood, got it in 2, again pretty painless. ALSO, I did not get angry for her missing the 1st. That in itself is almost a miracle, classify it as a "minor" miracle! :)
Ive had a couple of people tell me that they were "surprised" that I did not blame God for what has happened to me. I guess that might be the 1st response from a lot of people. HOWEVER that honestly never crossed my mind. I dont know why, but it did not. God DOES NOT make people sick. He will sometimes allow it. I cant explain why, I just know that it does happen. There is always a plan. We might never understand what that plan is, but here again that is all about one of the "F" words, FAITH! Faith is about believing in something we cannot see. I cant see this c----r, (refuse to give that word credence), but I know it's there. I can't see my salvation, but I know its there. I dont know what Gods plan is for this journey, but I KNOW there is a plan. I just anxious to see it come into play. Have you ever been excited to see something, but you did not really know what it was you were excited about? If you have, that is pretty much the feeling I have. I KNOW Im not excited about getting gallons of poison put in my veins, or having my head and throat radiated, but I KNOW there is a plan, and it is much, much larger than me. I also know that if Im to go thru this, that God will be right there 100% of the time. I know that He will never ever give us more that we can handle, and that is ONE promise I am totally standing on. (Actually right now, I cant begin to count all those promises, but that is one). LOL
I was playing with some photo effects and one was all different colors, mostly green, yellow and red, and I thought about posting it with the caption of "This is what I will look like after radiation". I know more bent humor. Hey, I might as well laugh at this. If I laugh at it the devil cant attack me. I enjoying things right now. Does this mean that I wont have ANY days that Im down, of course not. Im human. As such, we can get down, or up or whatever. THAT is where God comes in. He has the power to change us, and He does change us. I know that when I do get down, all I have to do is ask and He will be there to pick me back up. I believing that the after effects of all this treatment is going to be minimal, if at all. Why do I believe that, well so far nothing has been as painful, or as stressful, or anything I was warned that it would be. Why should I believe anything different for future stuff.
Please forgive me if any of this is incoherent drugs from the surgery are still affecting me somewhat. Kinda like you might feel after 3 medium margarita's. LOL Ive NEVER had 3 at one sitting, Im just guessing. Im sure that tomorrow I will feel up to running around with Renita and go looking for a new dishwasher. YEP you guessed it, the dishwasher failed last night. It is about 20 years old, so its probably time. Ran thru the cycle, but not much water, so shopping we must go!
I look at it this way. When this is all over, I will still have my voice. I may have lost a few pounds, which I needed to do anyway, I might have lost some hair, but it grows back, I will have my family, and I will have grown stronger in my faith. My friend told me the other day, dont miss the "little things", things you might normally over look. Thats good advice, not only for people with illness, but for anyone. How many times do we overlook some small thing that God might have put in our path, just as a small test. Maybe that person you see that needs a few bucks to pay a bill, or someone that needs a ride to the store or Dr office. We all tend to be "too busy" to see these things. How about someone in military uniform at a restaurant, might be nice to just pick up his tab. How about a frazzled mom with a couple of small kids trying to get in or out of a door of a store? Door holding is free and easy. The common term these days is "pay if forward". Its all about compassion. Im still dealing with it, but really what does it hurt to let someone in front of you on the road? NOTHING, and besides it might just stop an accident. (Like I said, that one Im STILL working on). I do tend to be competitive. Speaking of which, I was told today that I cant do much physical activity for at least 2 weeks. BUMMER, but its all good, there is a plan.
Ok so just to finish this up, these last 3 blogs were titled READY, SET, AND GO! I did this for a reason. Im ready, and Im set, and today was GO day. The 1st step in moving on in treatment. Chemo starts next Tuesday, should be an interesting day. I was told today that while these chemicals kill all the bad cells, they also kill a lot if not all of the good stuff. SOOOO I have to take a shot the day after to cause the more rapid manufacture of white blood cells. Im thinking if I can get some sort of exercise regimen going that should help as well. That will at least help with rebuilding the red blood cells.
Well enough rambling for the night. Lets attack things in life with more vigor, and energy. Thats my plan.
Monday, March 5, 2012
LIFE AT 60 - SET
Today is the "set" day! I have the installation of the "port" tomorrow, so Im all set and ready to go, cant wait to get it all going.
I had a busy day today, and actually looking forward to getting started with things. I want to get this rolling so I can get it done and over with. If you recall, my last blog was READY, this on is set, so Im assuming you can figure out what the next one will be. :) Ive been thinking about this a bit, and Ive actually had a few private messages on FB both encouraging me, and also telling me what these blogs have meant to them. Im humbled once again that people are receiving a blessing from them.
I have a good friend name Dan. I knew he had been fighting cancer for some time, but had NO clue that it had been 8+ years. He has been receiving chemo for that whole time. I did not even know that was possible. 8 years of chemo??? OMG, that would have killed most people, but Dan, like me, had GOD on his side. He told me that his body regenerates quickly and he has not had a lot of negative effects from the harsh chemicals. He works a 40-60 hour week and often times things are stressful at his job. I feel totally blessed that I have what I have and nothing more serious.
Ive also been able to look at those around me, and see people far worse than I am. Ive seen friends with a 13 year old girl that has fought off Leukemia and is thriving right now. Ive seen my friend Dan, who has fought off Multiple Myeloma, and is still here to proclaim Gods mercy and grace. Ive seen another friend that spent 3 weeks in the hospital with A-fib, and is here proclaiming Gods love. I have another friend who has just gone thru something very similar to what I am and he is now cancer FREE. God is a merciful, wonderful God.
For those of you reading this and wondering how I, and my friends, can say that God is merciful and kind, and full of grace, even though we have had these illnesses, it is easy, it is our FAITH! Without it we would all not have anything. God is merciful and loves all of us the same. I cant totally explain why any of us get sick, except to say that we do. We are human, our bodies are waste dumps, and sometimes they break down. I just know that I will be healed. Whether it is tomorrow, or whenever, I KNOW I will be healed. One other thing my friend said is to NOT put God in a box. There is something exciting about what Im going thru. I know that sounds kinda warped, but I honestly cant wait to see what God has in store for me and my family. Who will I meet that needs to hear about Gods love? Who might end up sitting next to me, both of us getting chemicals pumped into our veins, and both of us captive to this getting to listen to each other. Im just praying that Im able to discern the "small things" that might normally get overlooked.
Only ONE bummer about tomorrow. Its supposed to be in the 70's here in St. Louis, and Im probably going to be drugged and out of it. LOL I never said God did not have a sense of humor!
Ok so now, Ive written READY, and SET, cant wait to see what is next
I had a busy day today, and actually looking forward to getting started with things. I want to get this rolling so I can get it done and over with. If you recall, my last blog was READY, this on is set, so Im assuming you can figure out what the next one will be. :) Ive been thinking about this a bit, and Ive actually had a few private messages on FB both encouraging me, and also telling me what these blogs have meant to them. Im humbled once again that people are receiving a blessing from them.
I have a good friend name Dan. I knew he had been fighting cancer for some time, but had NO clue that it had been 8+ years. He has been receiving chemo for that whole time. I did not even know that was possible. 8 years of chemo??? OMG, that would have killed most people, but Dan, like me, had GOD on his side. He told me that his body regenerates quickly and he has not had a lot of negative effects from the harsh chemicals. He works a 40-60 hour week and often times things are stressful at his job. I feel totally blessed that I have what I have and nothing more serious.
Ive also been able to look at those around me, and see people far worse than I am. Ive seen friends with a 13 year old girl that has fought off Leukemia and is thriving right now. Ive seen my friend Dan, who has fought off Multiple Myeloma, and is still here to proclaim Gods mercy and grace. Ive seen another friend that spent 3 weeks in the hospital with A-fib, and is here proclaiming Gods love. I have another friend who has just gone thru something very similar to what I am and he is now cancer FREE. God is a merciful, wonderful God.
For those of you reading this and wondering how I, and my friends, can say that God is merciful and kind, and full of grace, even though we have had these illnesses, it is easy, it is our FAITH! Without it we would all not have anything. God is merciful and loves all of us the same. I cant totally explain why any of us get sick, except to say that we do. We are human, our bodies are waste dumps, and sometimes they break down. I just know that I will be healed. Whether it is tomorrow, or whenever, I KNOW I will be healed. One other thing my friend said is to NOT put God in a box. There is something exciting about what Im going thru. I know that sounds kinda warped, but I honestly cant wait to see what God has in store for me and my family. Who will I meet that needs to hear about Gods love? Who might end up sitting next to me, both of us getting chemicals pumped into our veins, and both of us captive to this getting to listen to each other. Im just praying that Im able to discern the "small things" that might normally get overlooked.
Only ONE bummer about tomorrow. Its supposed to be in the 70's here in St. Louis, and Im probably going to be drugged and out of it. LOL I never said God did not have a sense of humor!
Ok so now, Ive written READY, and SET, cant wait to see what is next
Friday, March 2, 2012
LIFE AT 60 - READY
Well today was an interesting day! Had a Dr appointment with the Hematologist, (thats fancy wording for CHEMO Dr!) LOL The appointment was scheduled for 10 am and finally at around 11:10, I got in the room, and he cam in shortly after. For those of you who know me, this journey is working on my lack of patience! :) I dont have much, and waiting in a waiting room is not my cup of tea, but I made it thru. I got some relatively good news.
When last he and I spoke, he was talking a 3 drug cocktail, and possibly having to sit there for most of a day, NOT my idea of having a good time. However, as I mentioned last blog, he put my case before a group of doctors today who all specialize in head and neck cancers. (I really hate giving that word credence). The consensus was that surgery was definitely out! Praise God for that. The one surgeon in the room said that he would definitely recommend against it. That is an answer to prayer right there. I was not even considering it, but it is wonderful that God saw to it that the doctors also dont think it necessary. Then he informed me that they also recommended against the 3 drug cocktail he was considering. Apparently one of the side effects is that one of the drugs causes you to lose your high frequency hearing, usually permanently. I install and design sound systems, so that would not be a good thing to lose a good part of my hearing. :) That is praise #2. The other advantage to the different cocktail is that I wont have to have some sort of pump to carry around for a week at a time. Praise #3. I did however walk out with more prescriptions, so what looked like a small pharmacy in my bathroom, will soon look like a small Walgreens! Not quite that bad, but it does feel like it sometimes. I have my heart meds, and now this stuff.
So where are we going from this point? well the only thing I know for sure is that I will have a port installed on Tuesday, (good drugs again, good sleep for at least 30 min). The port is to allow for the infusion of the chemo drugs. THAT joyful occasion will start on the 13th. However, Im really not all that fearful of any of this. Mostly because I have God on my side, but Im at the point, I just really want this to start and be done. Places to go, things to do, people to see. Im quite confident that God is still in the healing business, and that Im on HIS agenda to do just that. If He chooses to not heal me but just saying it into effect, then He will do it thru the talent and ability of the various doctors and the drugs they are trained to use.
Im convinced that sometime between now and the end of all this stuff there will be multiple people that need to hear what I have to say. They need to hear about Gods love, mercy, and grace. What better time to chat with someone than when we are both in a captive situation sitting in a recliner with harsh drugs pounding into your blood stream? Hopefully I wont miss any opportunity. It would be nice to have the same chat over a cup of coffee, but Im not sure I will be allowed to drink coffee while getting my dose of poison. LOL
Been thinking of maybe doing a video to post on You Tube about the effects of chemo and radiation. Im going to think it thru. Probably will happen. Should be fun.
So lets think about things for a moment. Ive been positive thru out this journey. Im finally getting down to the real treatment. I say finally, but really it has only been 4 weeks. It all seems so very surreal. Almost like Im sitting by and looking at this guy that looks just like me going thru this. Im sure when I get that 1st dose of chemicals I will wake up to reality. However, Im standing on Gods promises that no harm will come to me. Im believing that I wont have any Ill effects from any of this treatment. Im firmly believing that there is a reason for this, and it will soon be made clear. God is NEVER late in His infinite plan. His plans are always for our good. Jeremiah tells us that He knows the plans for our lives, and those plans do not include any harm but only good. Im standing on that promise too. Basically Im standing on ALL Gods promises. They are all true, and very real.
If you dont know Jesus and you are reading this, I trust that you will let me tell you about Him. If you would rather talk face to face, or find someone close to you, I can help with that too.
For those of you who remember me telling about my friend Greg Clark, he is still in need of a heart, and still needs your prayers. Please keep him lifted before the throne of God. I believe that if there is not a heart to be found, that God can just fix the one he has. Either way, Greg is in good hands.
Thanks for keeping me in your prayers as well
When last he and I spoke, he was talking a 3 drug cocktail, and possibly having to sit there for most of a day, NOT my idea of having a good time. However, as I mentioned last blog, he put my case before a group of doctors today who all specialize in head and neck cancers. (I really hate giving that word credence). The consensus was that surgery was definitely out! Praise God for that. The one surgeon in the room said that he would definitely recommend against it. That is an answer to prayer right there. I was not even considering it, but it is wonderful that God saw to it that the doctors also dont think it necessary. Then he informed me that they also recommended against the 3 drug cocktail he was considering. Apparently one of the side effects is that one of the drugs causes you to lose your high frequency hearing, usually permanently. I install and design sound systems, so that would not be a good thing to lose a good part of my hearing. :) That is praise #2. The other advantage to the different cocktail is that I wont have to have some sort of pump to carry around for a week at a time. Praise #3. I did however walk out with more prescriptions, so what looked like a small pharmacy in my bathroom, will soon look like a small Walgreens! Not quite that bad, but it does feel like it sometimes. I have my heart meds, and now this stuff.
So where are we going from this point? well the only thing I know for sure is that I will have a port installed on Tuesday, (good drugs again, good sleep for at least 30 min). The port is to allow for the infusion of the chemo drugs. THAT joyful occasion will start on the 13th. However, Im really not all that fearful of any of this. Mostly because I have God on my side, but Im at the point, I just really want this to start and be done. Places to go, things to do, people to see. Im quite confident that God is still in the healing business, and that Im on HIS agenda to do just that. If He chooses to not heal me but just saying it into effect, then He will do it thru the talent and ability of the various doctors and the drugs they are trained to use.
Im convinced that sometime between now and the end of all this stuff there will be multiple people that need to hear what I have to say. They need to hear about Gods love, mercy, and grace. What better time to chat with someone than when we are both in a captive situation sitting in a recliner with harsh drugs pounding into your blood stream? Hopefully I wont miss any opportunity. It would be nice to have the same chat over a cup of coffee, but Im not sure I will be allowed to drink coffee while getting my dose of poison. LOL
Been thinking of maybe doing a video to post on You Tube about the effects of chemo and radiation. Im going to think it thru. Probably will happen. Should be fun.
So lets think about things for a moment. Ive been positive thru out this journey. Im finally getting down to the real treatment. I say finally, but really it has only been 4 weeks. It all seems so very surreal. Almost like Im sitting by and looking at this guy that looks just like me going thru this. Im sure when I get that 1st dose of chemicals I will wake up to reality. However, Im standing on Gods promises that no harm will come to me. Im believing that I wont have any Ill effects from any of this treatment. Im firmly believing that there is a reason for this, and it will soon be made clear. God is NEVER late in His infinite plan. His plans are always for our good. Jeremiah tells us that He knows the plans for our lives, and those plans do not include any harm but only good. Im standing on that promise too. Basically Im standing on ALL Gods promises. They are all true, and very real.
If you dont know Jesus and you are reading this, I trust that you will let me tell you about Him. If you would rather talk face to face, or find someone close to you, I can help with that too.
For those of you who remember me telling about my friend Greg Clark, he is still in need of a heart, and still needs your prayers. Please keep him lifted before the throne of God. I believe that if there is not a heart to be found, that God can just fix the one he has. Either way, Greg is in good hands.
Thanks for keeping me in your prayers as well
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